Our welcome to new contributor Uncle Doreen!  Doreen has joined us to help us look at the lighter side of life from her own unique viewpoint.   Happy Thanksgiving to you all and after you eat and have your pants unsnapped, I hope you’ll browse through the latest contributions from our authors!  ~ Lori Hahn, GLBTQ Editor

Most of us remember as we approached our late teens how anxious we were to learn to drive a car. The excitement, the freedom, the “I am in charge” thrill pushed us to memorize the driver’s manual and all the mechanical and operational details of a 2-ton vehicle. Classes were taught, parents and teachers provided advice, and friends shared their experiences. The end result is that most of us understand how to reasonably drive a car and get from point A to point B rather successfully.

Sometimes I wish that the same attention was given to the other “drive” associated with the teenage years…

How different would my dating life be had I received accurate information at 16? If only I had had a class on what to expect instead of the rather poorly illustrated book left on my bed when I turned 13. If only those better informed adults in my life had shared their own mistakes and offered their words of wisdom rather than the cursory and vaguely sinister, “Be Careful,” shouted as the screen door slammed behind me as I ran out of the house to meet my friends. Just a little more information could have provided a wealth of knowledge that would have been shared among my peers instead of perpetuating the exaggerated stories of “the curse” and how we could get pregnant by kissing in a swimming pool.

So, I have decided to start my own manual. Something I can pass down for generations of lesbians to come (pun intended). I’m still roughing it out before it gets picked up as the next bestseller, but give me time:

Uncle Doreen’s Sex Driver’s Manual:

When choosing your method of “transportation” it is important to consider whether you are a Manual or Automatic kind of person. Being qualified to handle both definitely increases your flexibility in all situations. However, both have their advantages and disadvantages.

Manual – Has an independent energy source and is a traveling companion that will not alert airport security. The downside: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from over use.

Automatic – While it provides consistent power and an almost hands-free ride, there is the possibility that power failure  could occur shortly before reaching a summit. Note that locating an electrical socket is not always possible.

Study Terms:

Parallel Parking: More commonly known as a threesome. Not many people can parallel park successfully. Often you may park too closely to another parallel parker and the third parker will get upset and furiously drive away.

Illegal Lane Change: Beginning a new relationship while still in your current one. This is often done unexpectedly at the first sign of a possible opening and without any signaling to anyone else in the other respective lanes.

Rear View Mirror: Reminiscing about past relationships. Although it is enjoyable to see where you have been, you may not notice the hazard ahead if your girlfriend knew what that smile was really about.

U-Turn: Going back to your ex-girlfriend

Illegal U-Turn: Going back to men.

Carpool: Dating exclusively within your own social circle. For those who do not enjoy a casual drive into other neighborhoods, this seems to be an effective method. Warning: It does eventually lead to everyone in the car feeling uncomfortable and eventually seeking out other means of social transportation.

On Board Storage: Depending on the person, emotional baggage may fit in a glove box, trunk, or if necessary, the overhead storage rack. Some individuals find that a trailer and hitch are useful. They never have to unload their baggage, can still fit more baggage in, and can easily take it from relationship to relationship

Speed: Some relationships take the slow scenic route, also known as the School Zone. Others insist on quicker gratification on the Autobahn. It is vital to determine which speed your partner is comfortable with or you will hear the inevitable words, “I think we are going too fast.”

Safety Harness: Should always be used in conjunction with a safety word.

Maps: If you don’t know where you are going, please stop and ask for directions. Nothing is more upsetting than having your passenger spend 15 minutes licking your belly button thinking they are actually accomplishing anything.

FUI (Fucking Under the Influence): Responsibility while consuming alcoholic beverages can not be stressed enough. Relationships that start as “the one night stand that stayed,” are destined for a bumpy ride.

Dead End: “We need to talk…”

Slippery When Wet: Self-explanatory. And if you need an explanation, it’s time to go back to sex driver’s ed.

Maintenance of your vehicle is vital. Who doesn’t enjoy that new car smell? Keeping your vehicle clean and in good running condition will ensure that passengers welcome a ride when offered. Trying to do last minute clean up before a date may work in a pinch, but my motto is, “If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.”

Related posts:

1. Uncle Doreen’s Resolutions
2. I Fell In Love With A Man