Uncle Doreen’s Resolutions
Jan 9th, 2010 | By Uncle Doreen | Read more in: GLBTQJanuary ushers in countless resolutions. People make themselves promises to lose weight, watch less television, manage their budget better, finish projects, spend more time with their kids (or less time depending on the child’s level of delinquency). I am no different than the scores of other people around me. Rather than one major resolution I decided to have a series of small ones that will help coping with another year of being single. This year I will attempt to refrain from:
1. Rear-ending cars with rainbow stickers in hopes of getting a name and phone number.
2. Cruising the bus station to look for a homeless person because it is easier to convince them to spend the night.
3. Shaving only one leg and pretend I am in not in bed alone.
4. Spending hours walking the isles of Home Depot waiting for single women to come by.
5. Attempting to get arrested so I can spend the night with 16 other women in a locked room.
6. Going to the laundromatt and sit on washing machines with uneven loads.
7. Faking a heart attack at work so the cute EMT will give me CPR.
8. Walking through airport security with pennies taped to my nipples excitedly waiting for a pat down.
9. Using car batteries to power my vibrators.
10. Telling the clerks at Jamba Juice/Starbucks that my name is Wanda Dachew.
Uncle Doreen
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That is too funny! I love this list. Please update us on how you are doing with these.
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brilliant – far more entertaining than mine.
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This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time.
I like your brainz.
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Doreen you are too funny.. love your posts
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OMG….too funny Uncle Doreen….I love it!
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