This Ain’t Fiction
Feb 4th, 2009 | By A Progressive Girl | Read more in: GLBTQI’m queer. I’m also single. Single and dating in California. Seriously dating a bright, attractive, professional, dog-loving, kid-tolerant, home-owning, tax-paying, community involved woman. It’s still early days, but I got to thinking the other day – what if? What if down the road someday we decided to make a life together? What if I got down on my one good knee in my middle-aged I-might-not-get-up-again way and proposed to her? What would I propose exactly? Not marriage. Not civil unions. Ah, that’s right, we have domestic partnership.
In California, domestic partnership brings with it most of the rights and responsibilities of marriage – well, unless you count the 1,138 statutory provisions within Federal law that exclude same-sex couples – social security, tax breaks, and a myriad of others. We’re way better off than many of our out-of-state counterparts, but it’s still not equal and won’t be until we get Federal recognition.
Say my fictional wife and I are forced to move to another state after our domestic partnership. On arrival, we find out our domestic partnership is null and void. We then find out her fictional boss no longer has to provide us family health benefits, yet does for our straight married counterparts and their children. Then, let’s say I adopted three fictional hard-to-place kids and my fictional wife is co-parent, but not legally. I can adopt hard-to-place children while being gay, because there aren’t enough straight people who are willing to take the tough cases. I had to adopt them in my name though because that state doesn’t allow her to be the co-adoptive parent because gay marriage is illegal and we aren’t married. Just for example. So, we draw the thousands of dollars worth of fictional legal documents to protect the children in many ways, so we feel like it might be okay. Then say my lovely fictional spouse dies tragically after being careened into by a speeding wedding motorcade leaving the little Evangelical Christian church down the street. The tinkling of the tin cans on the back of the bridal car are the last sounds she hears. Little does my dearly departed fictional wife know that happy newlywed couple will most likely be divorced in three years. But, I digress.
Those poor fictional kids of mine aren’t eligible for Social Security benefits and we lose our fictional house because the fictional bank wouldn’t give us a joint loan to buy the house so it was in her name. Then, my wife’s fictional family swoops in and takes all of her assets because we hadn’t quite finished the will – it was complicated and we ran out of money to pay our expensive and fictional lawyer and the extra private insurance premiums for the fictional kids. (Sorry, honey, I hope you don’t die, but I also hope I don’t find myself giving birth or adopting any more children either)
Really, outside of living in one of the few states that recognize some form of gay union, my little gay fictional family is totally screwed. Family law, probate law, real estate law, taxation, employer benefits - you name it – if you’re straight and married, all those little problems would not have existed. For us, in most states, we have to hire a lawyer and spend thousands to figure out what we have to do to work around the laws, if we even can, to provide a baseline of protection for the ones we love and have committed our lives to.
I’m upset when I hear African-Americans say that they are insulted by our holding the banner up in what we believe to be a struggle for civil rights. What is the right to marry if not a civil right? What is the right to not be fired from a job, lose housing, or be harassed emotionally or physically by those in the majority because of who we love if not civil rights? I’m upset when Evangelicals and other fringe religions pull out their Bible and selectively interpret the Old Testament. We have a secular government, for God’s sake.
And mostly, I wonder why any person thinks they have the right to go to a voting booth to vote against me being “allowed” the rights granted to all in the Constitution of the United States of America to all its citizens. Why am I not equal?
We are not going to stop loving who we love. There is no fiction there. It’s very real and often very, very problematic. We love and work and play and participate in the community and deserve all the things straight people enjoy effortlessly. Denying gays and lesbians full access does not protect children or the community – it hurts and divides. You may think you don’t know any of us, so somehow this all really doesn’t matter. But, I’ll guarantee you do know someone it hurts – a friend, a neighbor, or a family member.
I’m Lori Hahn and one of the people being hurt by our unequal treatment is me.
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Nice touch where the wedding car runs over the fictional wife (and she WAS fictional, ’cause we ain’t letting anything bad happen to DG).
Yeah, I’m feeling pretty radical about all this, myself. System’s broke. It’s really time to start exerting pressure on those who enjoy full civil rights.
I suggest we:
-Stop attending opposite-sex weddings (and offering up the presents that go along with attendance) until we have Marriage Equality.
-Start calling our wives our wives, at work, in the family, EVERYWHERE. Language leads the way to a better reality.
-Start referring to opposite-sex couples as opposite-sex couples. It keeps the field even.
For some reason, lotso freedom-loving Americans really hate extending freedom to their fellow citizens, so we have to take, assume, and appropriate what’s rightfully ours.
Great piece, Lori!
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Margo Moon’s responses were right on! Lori, great thoughts. Glad you posted. I was missing your writing…
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Thank you for being online. It has really helped my understand this issue so much better to have “known” you on your blog.
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Nice one L.
Great points, MM. I really think you are onto a good plan of action there.
kim
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Good to hear your voice again Lori.
Margo… as always, you’ve got a great plan. I like that…”Start referring to opposite-sex couples as opposite-sex couples. It keeps the field even.”
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Lori–
I have faith that just as the courts had to overcome public opinion during the civil rights movement and assure there was no tyranny of the majority, they will do the same on the issue of same-sex marriage. California will lead the way – and the US Supreme Court will eventually realize it must – in the name of constitutional law – follow.
If we would have put civil rights up for a vote in the 1960s, it never would have passed, even in the most liberal states. The constitution protects the rights of a minority – I have hope.
By the way – I realized the other day you are in Sacramento. A native? I was born and raised in the Arden area (sadly, not the “park” part…just Arden/Watt).
Small world.
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As always, spot on.
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Hi Lori, I think Government shouldn’t have anything to do with citizen’s sexuality. A disclaimer of interest I am straight but I don’t thing it’s Government’s business who I am with an if I am married or not (I am). I believe administration should keep out of peoples relations including tax and/or any other provisions.
P S I couldn’t get the follow link to work can you please check it out.
P P S How do you get your logo int the tab?
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Sorry, I never read passed: “…after being careened into by a speeding wedding motorcade leaving the little Evangelical Christian church down the street.
BaaHaahahahahaaa!
Yeah, yeah, whatever you said. I’m sure you’re right. I’ll try to read it later!
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Greetings Wizard,
I see that you were able to use the follow link on the main page, I just tried the widget here and it seems to be working fine. Perhaps there was a glitch with google/blogger at the time you tried it. I hope you will give it another try and thanks for reading and commenting!
kim
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Thank you all so much for your comments. I had a long answer written out to everyone, but apparently it was during the time of the comment problem. For my Hahn at Home readers, thanks for making the trip over, it’s been nice having a little break from the daily grind.
Wizard – I don’t mind legal recognition of wedlock – it kind of secures in a tangible way those rights and responsibilities. Also, it’s not wanting to change my sexuality that’s the problem – it’s that they are basing the ability to enjoy full benefit of citizenship because of my sexuality that I have a problem with.
Thanks for your comment!
Wil- It’s hard not to be impatient. It’s been 40 years since Stonewall. But, thanks for your comments!
And, no not a native. Came to Sac in 2001. Live in the former swamplands of North Natomas, now home to 40,000 sardines.
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