I was in a ten-year relationship and my ex had a son. I jokingly call him my “Sonish” and I am his “Momish”, although we usually refer to each other by our names. You might find it silly, these “ish-isms”, but since marriage is not legal for same sex couples in the state of Oregon, I am not legally his stepmother, though I took on the same family role… that of provider, confidante (when he would let me), and hard-ass rule-maker and enforcer.

I have been in his life, watching him grow, since he was nine years old. My little Sonish is a grown man, now 23 years old. He still has a lot of growing to do, but is learning responsibility, living on his own and supporting himself and his partner (and sometimes other family members). He might gripe about his job, but he shows up early ever day, whether he feels like it or not. I am proud of him for that.

He also took a huge step into adulthood and got married recently. It was a last minute courthouse wedding with a small reception at the couple’s new residence. His rite of passage had me reminiscing and contemplating his propensity for having lesbians in his life. Read on as the story unfolds…

He wasn’t the easiest kid growing up, so different from me, with such different interests. We would often butt heads. He preferred to play video games, and I preferred to be outdoors or spend time with my dog and cat as a kid. But I learned to parent him. I started to learn more about things that interested him, like tearing apart electronics and never putting them back together again. How that would drive me crazy! I would buy him things at yard sales or thrift stores so that he could do just that – tear things apart – no strings attached to put them back together. I learned that lesson after he tried to “fix” my TV when he was 11, gutted it and never put it back together quite right. I kept on buying electronics for him here and there, hoping that somewhere inside of him would be that stroke of brilliance, and he would eventually find what inspired him. It was my job to support his interests and nurture them. To show him that none of his hare-brained ideas were silly, stupid or less-than. More than one brilliant idea has come from total ignorance of what others have said could not be done. However, making him part with the pieces of his electronic autopsies was another story.

The entire house became a cemetery for little electronic pieces. For years I would find bits of this and that tucked almost anywhere there was at least a half inch ground clearance… a circuit board in a vase, a doo-hickey in a drawer, a thingy-ma-bob under his bed. I couldn’t understand it, this penchant for not parting with these items, but also not keeping them in one place if they were valuable enough to keep at all.

But, as every little boy does, he grew into a man. He never fully grew out of his love of tearing things apart, but has discovered that nine times out of ten with a little patience he can fix them and put them back together again or even make them better.

He had a few longer-term relationships, but none of those girls really fit him like a glove. They were selfish, quirky or downright loony. In all cases, he seemed more dedicated to the relationship than they were. That is always an issue in finding a partner, isn’t it? It’s a question of equality and equilibrium? Someone who is yin to your yang…

I believe that with each relationship you aren’t narrowing down the things you do want in a partner, as many believe, but you start weeding out those characteristics you don’t want. Through all his relationships, I observed him treat his partners with respect and dignity. But with his huge soft heart and a desire to be an equal partner, he sometimes took on more than his fair share and was often taken advantage of.

Then he met his wife and they fell madly in love. She thinks all of his annoying little habits are charming and she loves him for who he is. He loves her for who she is as well. He is fiercely protective of her, and has a deep need to provide for her well-being. He wants to build a future with her and go through hardship and good times together. They have already seen a lot of tough times in their fairly young relationship from illness in the family, to job loss, to financial stressors, and they have come through, supporting each other in spades. It’s not up to me to tell him he can’t find the love of his life at 23. Some are lucky enough to do just that. I know it didn’t work for me.

Currently, my Sonish has three mothers. Myself, his birth mother and his father’s second wife. Eventually this could become five mothers, as he gets to know my life partner and as his birth mother takes on a new long-term partner. And what would happen if in the unlikely future, his father’s wife ends up a lesbian and takes on a life partner (highly unlikely, but just throwing it out there)? Then my Sonish would end up with six mothers.

On his wife’s side of the family, he has a mother-in-law in his wife’s  birth mother (seven). His wife’s parents are divorced, so there’s her father’s wife too (eight). What if her mother ends up a lesbian in the future? Count goes up as she takes on a life partner (nine). With his wife’s stepmother becoming a lesbian and entering into a long-term relationship, which would make it an even TEN mothers of one ilk or another.

I recently bought some greeting cards and they averaged around $4 per card. That’s $40 for him to spend just on Mother’s Day cards! It’s no wonder us moms always feel like his Dad gets all the attention on Father’s Day.

My partner asked me what she would be called in this web of Momish. My Sonish always called me by my first name or sometimes mom and I always called him by his first name or son, but what would she be called other than her first name? Technically would she be a step-step-Momish? Would she be a step-step-Momish-in-law to his wife? It’s all very confusing.

The entire landscape of a family tree changes dramatically where multiple gay relationships are involved. Without the firmament of marriage to gain clarity in the family tree, a slew of long-term partners could potentially be added as Momishes or Dadishes or Otherishes.

My Sonish is a young man now, so it doesn’t affect him as much as it would have when he was 9, but still it makes an interesting topic of discussion. Before writing this article, I asked him what he thought about all of this “Momishness”. He laughed and said, “I really try not to think about it too much…” I think I heard a gulp…

How does one work this? In most states, we still can’t get legally married, so at what point does a live-in partner stand in as a parental role? Every family is different. Every Child/Momish relationship is different. If I have a long-term partner who only engages my Sonish twice a year on major holidays, I would not expect him, at any age, to accept her as a parental role model. However, if I have a long-term partner who is deeply involved in his upbringing, partakes in family discussions that benefit him, helps bail him out when he is in need (your kids never really grow up, do they?) and builds a loving connection of mentor/Momish/guide/nurturer with him, then I would expect some sort of moniker to name that connection. At what point is naming that connection important?

The answer is, it is different for everyone. Every relationship has its own comfort zone and its own rules. Isn’t that why we fight so hard for same-sex marriage? It’s one our primary arguments. My family might not look like your family, but that does not make it any less of a family. It’s not enough to say, after years of partnership, “My mom’s girlfriend…” anymore. Just as it wouldn’t be appropriate to say, “My mom’s boyfriend,” for a man who married a woman who happens to be a mother.

When my Sonish’s father first announced that he was considering proposing to his wife, my Sonish was very upset. Don’t get me wrong, he liked her, but his father’s attention focused differently. Slowly, his father had introduced a female element into the male bonding time of working on cars, digging in junkyards for parts and going to car shows. Instead, they started to go to the movies and go shopping. He started to feel like a third wheel. I used to fix up cars by restoring them, but it just wasn’t the same. I am no mechanic, and there is something that Sonish loved about getting greasy with his dad.

I kept telling him he was the luckiest boy in the world that he gets to have three moms. Only special kids get to have three moms. If he ends up with ten moms, would that make him ten times luckier?

Of course, with a straight couple, there isn’t a question of what to call the woman who marries your father. She is his stepmother, not a Momish at all. Even though she came into his life much later than I did, I still get Momish status. At this point, I kind of like that moniker, but it still doesn’t seem very fair, does it?

I thought it would be fun to hear from all the Momishes and Dadishes out there: If you have a child involved in your relationship, how do you wade through the monikers and your relationship involvement?