The actual transcript of President Barack Hussein Obama’s Inaugural Address can be found here.

The following is the address that I heard in my own head while listening…

‘Sup y’all,

I stand before you humbled, and by humbled, I mean scared shitless. I’d like to thank ex-President Bush, without whom I would never have been elected. And by thank, I mean I’m looking forward to seeing him in a red jumpsuit by this time next year.

44 Americans have taken the oath of office. More often than not, that oath has been taken in comfortable times, under pleasant circumstances. However, every once in a while, the oath has been taken when America has been fucked like Jenna Jameson in a 100 man gangbang. This, my fellow citizens, is one of those times.

That we are up shit creek with a straw paddle is now evident, and I find myself asking the introspective question, “Why the hell did I sign up for this?” If our economy had failed any greater, we would refer to it as “Ishtar”, or perhaps, “Gigli“. Homes have been foreclosed, businesses shut, and Heath Ledger’s name has been removed from the “Starring:” list on the TV guide channel. Healthcare is out of control, we’re addicted to oil- and finally, finally, we’re realizing that there’s an air bubble in the needle. Our schools, well, frankly the American public school systems sucks ass, America, thank you No Child Left Behind.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Additionally, they’re subject to HBO’s Rome. Anyone else catch that series? Rome didn’t end well, is what I’m getting at, and right now, America has a sense that the empire is crumbling before our eyes.

Thing is, y’all, just as Rome wasn’t built in a day, it didn’t crumble in a day either. I stand before you not as Nero’s successor, but as Alan Bates in The Fixer. You, the American people, have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord- we the people have rejected the policies and practices of the Bush Administration like it was Coke II, and we’re headed back to the original formula.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, bullshit and lies and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics and bankrupted our standing in the international community.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of James McMurtry, we need to put away those childish things. The time has come for America to realize that we’re abso-fucking-lutely not the world police, and that “all men are created equal” means every single human, ever, is the equal of his/her fellow fucking human being. Your color doesn’t include or exclude you, nor does your faith or complete lack thereof. Your country club membership doesn’t mean shit, ya dig? Neither does your fucking Lexus.

Now is the time that we, every one of us, need to reaffirm the greatness of our nation. We understand, to quote Willam Dafoe in “Boondock Saints”, that “respect is earned, never given”. Progress has never come easily to this nation. More often than not, progress has been paid for in blood. Progress has only been brought about by great risks, led by great risk-takers.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they died in places like Birmingham, Alabama, Philidelphia, Mississippi, and the Lorainne Hotel in Memphis. They died at protests, marches, and demonstrations. They died on foreign soil, for causes just and glaringly unjust. And they, we, died inside every time we heard George W. Bush speak.

This is the journey we continue today. But our time of burying our heads in the sand, of protecting the interests and agendas of a handful of small, petty, bitter old white folks, and putting off unpleasant decisions – that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

What I’m trying to get at, friends and neighbors, is that it’s time to get to fuckin‘ work. Remember science? I do, and I’ll work tirelessly to return science to our schools, lives, and life’s work. I envision an America that not only uses the internet for porn and gambling, but for grass-roots organization, and accomplishment. I will work to return value to America’s universities, instead of watching them become vilified by an ignorant and hateful right.

There are some out there, we’ll call them “FReepers“, that think we can’t pull this off, America. They don’t remember what we’ve been through as a nation; let’s remind them.

As for our common defense, we reject as complete and utter bullshit the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. So, for anyone watching this live on them Intertubez, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more. You’re welcome.

Remember when we didn’t solve every single conflict with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions? Once upon a time, we understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to turn entire nations into 400,000 hole desert golf courses. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint. And by that, I mean by not acting like total fucking assholes in front of the entire planet.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Through basic fucking common sense, we’ll work out the mess my predecessor left us in Iraq, and in Afghanistan. But let’s make one thing clear: fuck with me, and I’ll fuck back. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West – know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, I’m looking at you, Dick Cheney, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist. Or get out of your wheelchair.

Our challenges may be new. But those values upon which our success depends – hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism – these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility – a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is why I stand before you, friends and neighbors. And I do so as a man who’s father would’ve got the shit beaten out of him for trying to sit at the front of a bus only fifty years ago. Pretty fuckin‘ cool, huh?

At a time when the survival of America hung in the balance, the father of our nation ordered these words read:

“Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, and a complete rejection of the failed ideology that got us into our current shitstorm, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and Mark Harmon’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Cheers