Tag Archives: new year

Happy new year … maybe

In a few short hours, 2010 will be relegated to the proverbial dustbins of history, and none to soon. What a year.

I have no intention of reminding you or me of what transpired during this past 365 days. Suffice it to say they’ll not be remembered as days of glory. Shame, perhaps, but only if we wake up soon and smell the coffee, realize that it isn’t coffee at all but some concoction of crude oil and raw sewage and dump it out before any more poor saps drink it and become zombies.

That’s how it really happens, you know. Zombies. They’re all around us. And they do eat brains. Their own. And then, later, yours.

I feel relatively safe here in my little blue city in a red state. From the zombies, I mean. They’re afraid of queers, you know. Afraid it might rub off on ‘em somehow. That’s why they don’t want us in the military, yknow. Good lord, what if we had an entire army of fucking queers? Spartans. Yeah, Spartans. And Spartans can kill zombies, easy.

Worse, of course, is if we get married. Because if the Spartans can marry each other, it automatically nullifies their zombie marriages. For every Spartan couple that marries, TWO zombie marriages die. Sad, isn’t it?

And here in my little blue city in a red state, there are a lot of queers. Spartans. And some are indeed married. To each other. The zombies take one big sniff as they pass by the entrance to the town and just keep right on rolling.

Plus, it really freaks the zombies out that the city council meets in what was once the assembly room of a chapel. Godless heathens. And queers. Spartans, the anti-zombie.

Zombies are welcome, of course, but they never come here. Too damn scared.

But just because me and my 800 or so fellow citizens are safe doesn’t mean our work is done. Besides, we have to leave the safe confines of our city sometimes. There are no grocery stores here, or jobs for that matter, and not enough of us are very good at growing at our food. Besides, they frown on having cows or goats for milk. I think chickens are OK though.

No, we have to keep fighting the make the rest of the world safe from the mindless zombies who stagger across the landscape searching for more brains to devour, and more sewage and crude oil too. We need to stop the rampant outpouring of oil and sewage and find a way to reverse the damage done. I don’t know if there’s anything we can do, especially for those whose brains have been eaten, but we have to try. We’re liberals. We’ll feel guilty if we don’t.

So, 2010 is riding off into the sunset, and 2011 is settling in for a year-long visit.

Let’s make sure we don’t regret the invitation.