Pity me! I Am But A Victim Of A Cruel Twist Of Fate!
Dec 21st, 2009 | By Leslie Basden | Read more in: GLBTQMost if not all behavior has genetic underpinnings. There is just no question about it. Psychologists’ take on the causes of homosexuality has not changed much in recent years. Studies examining fraternal and identical twins indicate that genes are part of the equation. If one of a pair of identical twins is gay, the likelihood that the other twin is also gay is much higher than for fraternal twins. If the roots are entirely genetic, both fraternal twins 
would invariably be gay barring mutation.
Human sexuality is fluid; no two people are alike in how they view people of the opposite sex and people of the same sex. It has long been known that human sexuality is a continuum of sorts. There are people who feel they are 100% homosexual. They never feel attraction to members of the opposite sex, and they have had no heterosexual experiences at all, but that’s rare. Similarly, there are people who feel no attraction to members of the same sex and have never had homosexual experiences. But these are outliers on the bell curve, extremes that are far less common than people who fall somewhere in between.
People also vary their sexual behavior and interests throughout their lives. A person who feels he/she is strictly heterosexual in younger years may not see himself/herself that way later in life, and vice versa. Alfred Kinsey and Sigmund Freud believed that humans are essentially bisexual and that our experiences guide our choices. Activists and vocal members of the LGBT community continue to try to classify people very strictly despite all we know about human sexuality over the lifespan. You are gay or you aren’t. You are lesbian or you aren’t. If a person has more varied experiences, it’s viewed as a threat to the natural order.
This screwed up way of classifying ourselves and our experiences really affects the politics of the push for civil rights. Gays and lesbians fall back on this absurd canard about how we are made, by immutable genetics, a condition we suffer stoically and for which we seek pity and consideration. “Let us have our dignity by accepting that we are all here due to circumstances that are out of our control. Give us this small recognition for our tragic circumstances. Let us be happy—or as happy as we can ever hope to be.”
How many of us are truly unhappy with the lives we lead? If I hear one more of our community “Would anyone live like this by choice?” I’m going to scream. If it makes people so miserable to live with and love members of our own sex, we have the option to live another way. I really believe that. If most people’s interests change over time, surely one can make these changes intentionally. As with all big changes in life, one must truly want those changes in order to be successful.
I suspect that not many of us are unhappy with our lives. It’s cowardly to seek sympathy votes to justify our existence because we don’t want to change. And why should we be expected to seek change when we’re fine with our lives as they are now?
It should not matter what some people think about us if their opinions are based in a subjective interpretation of some religious text. No faith-based prejudice should be used to restrict the rights of citizens. We should learn to accept ourselves in our varied forms and understand the rightness of the choices we make for ourselves.
When it comes to our civil rights, we should never fall back on the “we are victims” excuse. Human beings are a varied group, and this country of acceptance and opportunity is obligated to treat all of us fairly, and that is what we should seek.
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I agree 100%. I came out late in life (age 45) because I couldn’t NOT do it. I had to live the way I felt most comfortable to myself and that is as a lesbian. My mother, god bless her, raised me with a “who cares what the neighbors think” mind set, and I have not looked back in the 8 years since I came out publicly. The best way to get people to accept you is to accept yourself, because then you honestly don’t care what “public opinion” is. You really like what you see in the mirror and that is enough. If others don’t like it they can go jump in the lake.
Great post.
GG
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Very thought provoking, Leslie. I could have chosen to continue to live a lie…I made a conscious decision to take on the fight that came with that honesty. Great post.
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I’m with you, too, Leslie. We do ourselves zero favors by projecting an air of tragedy.
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Thank you for this article. I too dislike the rigid labeling
that goes on in the LGBT community, and as a bisexual
person, don’t always relate to the “party line” that if you
are with someone of the opposite sex, you aren’t being
true to yourself. Of course, this is true for people who
are 100% homosexual, and this should not be disregarded
as an important aspect of identifying oneself and defining
one’s former experiences.
However, this labeling is part of the process of bringing
awareness and acceptance of LGBT people in our culture.
Still, using science and genetics to somehow legitimize
who we love seems wrong, too. A friend of mine said
a formerly homophobic member of her family decided
to “accept” her when they read some research about the
genetic origins of homosexuality. My friend said, “Just
because my fertilized zygote was washed in a testosterone
bath [she paraphrased it better than I could], does this
mean suddenly my relationship choices are deemed
acceptable and understandable in your eyes?” At
first, I was puzzled at her vehemence, but now I think
I understand where that vehemence came from. If it’s
“genetic,” does that suddenly mean we are once again
welcomed back as part of the human race? Maybe it’s
a step towards acceptance, but it still bothers me.
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I was totally born this way and would have figured it out much, much earlier if I’d ever heard the word “homosexual” before my 18th birthday. My queer genetic underpinnings don’t make me any more defective than my black hair, brown eyes or ambidextrous hands, and certainly not as much as my life-long bum knees.
As for labeling, I got over worrying about that a long time ago. Kinda like the “if you don’t like gay marriage, don’t have one” thing. I have no problem calling myself lesbian, dyke, gay, queer, butch or whatever, but y’all can just call me News Writer, and I’ll call you whatever you want too.
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Thanks for your comments! I expected to see an argument here today, but none has materialized.
If anyone is interested, check out the book Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire by Lisa M. Diamond. The author notes that previous studies of the stability of sexual orientation over time used male subjects, and it’s clear that the patterns are different for women. Fascinating read. (link: http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/DIASEX.html) It’s fairly new and can be found at the usual online bookstores.
I personally don’t much care about “cause,” but I sure don’t like the supposition that I have no choice in the matter. My choices led me here. I like that aspect of my life and wouldn’t change. If I weren’t happy, I’d try to fix the relationship. If that didn’t work, I’d consider trying something else.
I loved GG’s comments: “I came out late in life (age 45) because I couldn’t NOT do it. I had to live the way I felt most comfortable to myself and that is as a lesbian. My mother, god bless her, raised me with a “who cares what the neighbors think” mind set, and I have not looked back in the 8 years since I came out publicly. The best way to get people to accept you is to accept yourself, because then you honestly don’t care what “public opinion” is. You really like what you see in the mirror and that is enough. If others don’t like it they can go jump in the lake.” A great lesson to learn as a child.
I wonder at people who want a “cure.” If people are really that miserable about their sexual orientation, why is it so hard to change? Does this desire to change come from external pressures? It makes me wonder if they themselves are unhappy or if they’re allowing other people to rent too much space in their head. A healthy rebel spirit helps, I think. And some cognitive behavior therapy for self-acceptance as needed.
Lucia, I think way too much time is spent on justifying behavior. It doesn’t matter why people are the way they are. What matters is whether they’re happy.
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News Writer
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December 23rd, 20092009-12-24T00:07:48ZF jS, Y at 7:07 pm2009-12-24T00:07:48Zg:i a
Yeah, but I’m still not quite willing to say I had a choice, not about what I feel. It took me a little while to figure out what that was, since it didn’t jibe with anything I’d learned, but I got there. Then I had a choice not to act on what I felt, yes, but that comes down to a) act on what I feel or b) don’t act on what I feel, and any time I have but two options I kinda think that’s more a dilemma than a choice.
Full disclosure: I have had sex with men. OK, boys. Back when I thought that was what I was “supposed” to do, but there was no attraction there. Once as an adult I had a minor attraction to a man I worked with. Chose not to act on it. I suppose that could happen again, and then I’d have a choice again. Or maybe a dilemma.
But while I don’t feel I had a choice about being a lesbian — or having black hair or brown eyes etc etc etc — being a lesbian, being attracted sexually to women, makes me no more miserable than my black hair or brown eyes. Just part of who I am.
And that brings me to people who aren’t happy with these queer feelings. I’d just be guessing about this, since I know a lot of gay men and lesbians and all of them, to my knowledge, are quite happy with their lives and who they are. Currently that’s also true of all the heterosexuals I know. Not a one of them, to my knowledge (although I’ve known some in the past), currently harbors any secret desire to be gay. But then, they don’t have too much public pressure — constant images in advertising and the movies and on television, etc, of the glorious homosexual lifestyle, nor anyone appearing regularly on cable news to declare heterosexuality immoral, nor ongoing battles in courts, legislatures and ballot boxes to determine whether heterosexual couples should be allowed to marry or adopt children.
And that brings me to what you said:
It makes me wonder if they themselves are unhappy or if they’re allowing other people to rent too much space in their head.
That would be my guess. And yeah, a rebel spirit does help, and that cognitive behaviour therapy. Along with meeting people who like themselves as they are and have realistic ideas about what they can and can’t — or should and shouldn’t — change.
Thoughtful piece, Leslie. ‘Preciate it.
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I have often wondered if the “victim mentality” might come from a fear that one might actually have a choice. If I am helpless in the matter then I am to be pitied and have no responsibility for what I “have” to do. Personally I have never had a sexual relationship with a man. I tried to twice but couldn’t even get to first base. To me, being a gay man was more acceptable than being a transsexual. I don’t think I ever had a choice about my gender identity but I did have the choice on whether to transition or not (even though not transitioning would likely have meant extreme depression). Likewise I don’t think I had a choice in my sexual orientation, but I am a lesbian because it makes me happy to be with another woman. You will never hear a complaint from me! Excellent topic Leslie. Great feedback too!
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What a nerve you’ve hit here, Leslie. Totally agree with Elena about the quality of the feedback, too. It takes a strong piece of writing to get inside minds and stimulate so much thought. It’s had me thinking hard, circling round and round this question that amounts almost to a chicken and egg problem, doesn’t it? I mean, each and every point of view here is not only well thought out, much of it stems from experience and hard won personal victories.
For what it’s worth, I’ve settled on the outlook that some people are born with a definite, unchangeable sexual orientation and some are born with a more fluid one, with degrees of fluidity ranging from almost none to a whole, whole lot. People with zero changeability whatsoever will not adapt to external influences no matter how strong those influences may be, and their orientation will hold steady throughout their lives. Others along the fluidity continuum will naturally respond to outside input, both positive and negative, and carve out their own personal sexual identity.
Neither proclivity (the one that pushes for adaptation nor the one that says to hold steady) is a candidate for being right, wrong, weak, strong, normal, or weird. Each and every increment on this infinite spectrum of propensities simply is.
Looking at the matter this way makes sense to me, and it seems like a way for everybody to agree, because if you tell me you were born gay (or whatever) I can accept that in all honesty. If you tell me you choose to be gay (or whatever), I can truthfully agree with that 100%, too. It’s a win-win.
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“We should learn to accept ourselves in our varied forms and understand the rightness of the choices we make for ourselves.”
Excellent post!
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My belief is that most people have “feelings” (which I’m taking to mean sexual attraction) from time to time, which are shaped by experiences and information we gather in life. If experiences are positive, we may continue to explore those feelings, and if they’re negative, the feelings may slowly extinguish. If there’s a big taboo against acting on those feelings, we may recognize the feelings but stomp out any urge to act. The taboo against same sex experiences is stronger in some parts of the country (and some countries as a whole), and where it is safer (i.e., places where there is good community support for gay folk), people are more willing to act.
I think we all have feelings that we don’t ever acknowledge or act on. We are animals, after all, and our bodies sometimes feel entirely inappropriate attraction. We can choose to act on it or ignore it. If we acted on all of our feelings, this would be a very different world.
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Margo Moon
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December 28th, 20092009-12-28T21:28:22ZF jS, Y at 4:28 pm2009-12-28T21:28:22Zg:i a
This last part, Leslie. Has someone said something about me naming a saddle “Sigourney” or something? Because it’s a lie, okay? For the record, that’s a lie.
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Leslie Basden
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December 28th, 20092009-12-28T23:02:18ZF jS, Y at 6:02 pm2009-12-28T23:02:18Zg:i a
LOL!
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News Writer
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December 28th, 20092009-12-29T00:39:32ZF jS, Y at 7:39 pm2009-12-29T00:39:32Zg:i a
I didn’t say anything about that.
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Margo Moon
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December 29th, 20092009-12-29T14:24:38ZF jS, Y at 9:24 am2009-12-29T14:24:38Zg:i a
That leaves Kim or Lori, and since I happen to know what Lori once named her bicycle seat, I don’t think she’d risk ratting on me.
Howdy, Kim!
A Progressive Girl
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December 29th, 20092009-12-29T19:34:19ZF jS, Y at 2:34 pm2009-12-29T19:34:19Zg:i a
Now girl you know I don’t know you that well : ) But now I feel like I do!
Greetings from Nawlins y’all! My sweetie put us in a sweet little room with a balcony for tonight. Might send a pic out unless I get too distracted.
I agree about the quality of comments here! Thanks for ALL of your responses and your willingness to examine and express yourselves here.
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