Nina is like a growing number of women who discover later in life that they are lesbian. One of the outcomes of living in a generally homophobic society is the shame we are laden with before, during, and after the coming out process. We hide the truth of our very essence from those most close to us and even with strangers who hold no sway in how we live our lives. The coming out journey is full of tests for each of us, but for middle-aged women, it’s putting aside all the things we thought to be true for what is true. Often, we need support during this tumultuous emotional time, yet find ourselves tacitly holding up everyone else around us as we go through it. I’d like to welcome Nina and her first AWOP personal essay.

I said I’d never do it. Not me. What did I care if a total stranger knew? After all, I’m loud, I‘m proud, I’m super lesbian….right? No wonder my therapist and several close friends would just smile at me when I would proclaim my devotion to the truth.

Recently, on the first leg of a flight to Boston, I struck up a conversation with a big burly guy complete with tattoos and a good ol’ boy accent as thick as West Nile in Idaho. His open body language and eye contact were making my spidy senses freak. We spoke of divorces, ex’s, kids, traveling. He asked why I was going to Boston…

“Meeting a friend,” I said vaguely.

He probed further, “Is he an old friend from school?”

“Yes, he is,” I said.

He teased and delved deeper, “Rekindling an old romance with him maybe?”

I just giggled shyly and appropriately.

He gathered his nerve, “Well he is a lucky man!”

I slowly tucked my hand underneath my leg stealthily hiding my Gay Pride pinkie ring from view.

He went on to try to “guess” what year my class graduated. Ten years off in my favor of course - he was workin’ it pretty hard. I finally had an opportunity to tell the truth about who I am and confessed my 1980 graduation year. It held no redemption for me though.

It was too late; I had already denied who I am three times in one brief conversation.

When I share this with my therapist and friends they won’t say “I told you so!” There will be no recriminations. Being gay is a personal journey. One no one can fully prepare you for. They will say, “I’ve done that too.” They will say, “I understand.” And they do. They will also check to make sure I don’t try to nail myself to the cross I continuously carry with me for times such as these.

Hi, my name is Nina and I passed today…

Art by Alan Brain
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Peace Y’all