Out of the Darkness
Nov 27th, 2009 | By Elena J. Kelly | Read more in: GLBTQWelcome to new contributor Elena Kelly!
My cell phone rang just as I was sitting down to lunch at work today. It was a detective from the Sacramento Police and she asked if I had a few minutes to talk. I had been expecting this call for the last two weeks, but I had no idea what she had to say.
On August 27 this year I had the third, and final, surgery to correct what I like to call my “birth defects.” I was born with genitals that made the people around me think I was a boy. But I wasn’t, I was a transgirl. The three surgeries removed all the false evidence and replaced it with the truth of who I really am.
That last surgery was to be a huge cause for celebration because my transition from male to female would be completed, at least as complete as medical science is capable. It was a short procedure that involved placing two silicone pouches behind the muscles of my chest wall. It was much less invasive than my Facial Feminization surgery or my Genital Reassignment surgery, both of which had been completed within the last five months before my breast augmentation.
This last surgery turned out to be anything but a celebration, because I was raped as I lay sleeping under anesthesia in the Recovery Room. My vagina was just three months old, and I swore that no male would ever touch it, but that wish was denied by some evil, perverted sicko who came into my room and violated me when I was completely helpless to do anything about it.
I had eight purple bruises on the insides of my thighs, four on each side that matched up evenly with the fingers of some bastard that obviously pulled my legs apart before he took vengeance on me. I bled from the wounds that he inflicted and required treatment by my OB/GYN for it to heal properly.
I reported this to the police once I figured out what had happened. It took a couple of days because I didn’t remember the incident, being knocked out by the drugs that kept me pain-free throughout the operation, and beyond. When I discovered the bruises I figured they probably happened when I was being lifted, and the bleeding I thought must have been due to the drugs or some other trauma associated with the surgery. But my surgeon, at my post-op checkup said there was no way either of those could have happened in the O.R.
My gynecologist is required to call the police and make a report whenever she sees a patient that has obviously been abused, and she confirmed my worst fears with just one glance. “There is no doubt that you were sexually assaulted,” she told me just before she checked inside. “You have all the classic signs of rape.”
The male police officers who came to my apartment to take my statement and to photograph the wounds had no idea what a transgender person is. It was obvious that they considered me some kind of freak. I had been crying nonstop since my OB visit the day before, and it would be a couple of weeks before I would feel safe enough to venture out into the world again.
So when Detective Castiglia called, I knew it was to tell me the latest news about my case. She has been a bright spot in this horrible nightmare. She kept me informed at each step, and has shown genuine sympathy and compassion toward me. But today she had bad news. The case she turned over to the District Attorney was rejected because they couldn’t prove who did it, or even that the assault might have happened after I was discharged.
I have moved on from that painful experience and refuse to allow a monster to steal this new life I have been given. For the first time in my life I know what it is like to live without a deep, dark secret that I was terrified others would find out. I was born in a male body, but I am a woman, and I am proud of who I am, and I see each day of living my truth as a gift from the divine.
It is estimated that half of all women have been sexually assaulted in their lives. From what I have been told by the women I call friends, it must be higher than that. Now I know well what they all endured. I know the fear and self-doubt, the hyper-vigilance that comes from being attacked. And I know the power of supportive friends and family who were there for me and continue to be. I am a better woman, not for being raped, but for the love and kindness of others who gave of themselves to help me find my way back to who I really am.
Elena J. KellyElena Kelly's Blog
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That is horrifying and tragic. What a terrible way to begin the life that you have waited so long to have… I am truly sorry that someone would violate you in such a way. It literally makes me ill to know that there are such people walking among us freely. I hope you can move on from this as a strong, proud woman and find the kind of love that can help you put this behind you for good. Being with my wife, the love of my life, makes it nearly impossible for me to dwell on any of the wrongs done to me because I feel so blessed to be with her. I wish this love for you. Thanks for sharing your story…
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:26:05ZF jS, Y at 8:26 pm2009-11-30T01:26:05Zg:i a
Thank you Sinnerviewer. I truly believe what you say. Love makes all the difference in life, and can enable us to rise above the most painful of events. Congratulations on finding that love. To me, to love deeply is to truly live.
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What a powerful debut, Elena. I’m looking forward to hearing much more of your strong, articulate voice here.
And about the way you’ve handled this cruel irony, all I can say is You Go Girl!
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:29:41ZF jS, Y at 8:29 pm2009-11-30T01:29:41Zg:i a
Thank you for the vote of confidence Margo. I am delighted to be here and writing for AWOP. It is a cruel irony indeed, but I was fortunate in some ways that I was asleep when it happened. At least now I do not have a memory of his face, his rage, his hatred directed at me.
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I am honored that you shared such an intimate part of your life with us. It’s a brave thing to do. Many times I’ve started to write about my assault and stopped before publishing. I want to eventually transform that experience from something ugly, shame-filled or fearful into positive energy, driving me towards deeper compassion and understanding of myself and those around me. There’s power in transformation, as we rise above the events in our lives and give what we learn to others. In opening up such a wound for all of us to see, you help us find our own voices, and embrace our bold and strong hearts.
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:33:16ZF jS, Y at 8:33 pm2009-11-30T01:33:16Zg:i a
Hi Lisa! Some have advised me not to talk about it. Some have even said I was opening old wounds for others by refusing to shut up. I share your perspective and believe that if it opens an old would, then perhaps that wound never has been able to heal. I wish you all the best, dear one.
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this assault is particularly terrible because you were in a place that was supposed to HEAL you and TAKE CARE of you. I hope the hospital is more vigilant about it’s staff and volunteers…any way you can get them to address the problem?
So glad to hear you have love and support all around you — you do indeed have a bold, strong heart, that is quite evident.
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:37:43ZF jS, Y at 8:37 pm2009-11-30T01:37:43Zg:i a
Hello Tara! I have learned that the hospital has no security cameras on the hallway where my room was. With just that video tape the case would be closed and the rapist behind bars. They said cameras were w violation of patient privacy. I said, “Why? Do some patients change clothes in the hall?” I also went a few rounds with them over the policy that the family and friends have to wait in the Waiting Room until the patient awakens from anesthesia. If my oldest daughter had been in my room from the moment I came out of surgery, this wouldn’t have happened. They told me it was OK for family to be in the room as long as it is requested in advance. Problem is they never told us that in advance. So I hope they do something even though I’m not suing them. If not, it’s squarely on them if/when this happens to someone else.
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Elena, I am very sorry that someone did such an awful thing to you when you were so vulnerable. I am disappointed that they rejected the case-that sounds like discrimination to me. I am also amazed that the male police officers didn’t know what a transgendered person was-obviously, they need some serious education and training in this area.
Thank you for sharing this story and I will send you positive, healing thoughts.
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:40:57ZF jS, Y at 8:40 pm2009-11-30T01:40:57Zg:i a
Lucia, I have requested three times to come as a volunteer to the police roll call in the morning and provide a free five minute instruction on what it is to be transgender, and how the police should treat us because of who we are. No response. It is that attitude that keeps transgender people in fear, and does nothing to mitigate the discrimination and hatred directed at us. Thank you for the healing energy. Goddess knows I need it! Back at you sister.
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What a disgusting thing to do to somebody. I can’t believe that can happen in a recovery room; aren’t there people around? You have my deepest sympathies.
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:43:35ZF jS, Y at 8:43 pm2009-11-30T01:43:35Zg:i a
CP, when I woke up there was no one in my room, despite the hospital claiming that I was continuously monitored. If be continuous they mean they looked in on me a couple of times over the half hour, then maybe they did. But someone knew how they operate and slipped in long enough to hurt me without being too obvious. Or maybe someone was covering for him. I guess we’ll never know.
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So glad you climbed aboard the AWOP train. I know almost no women who have not been assaulted at some point, so welcome to the silent sisterhood, I guess. I’m glad to hear that you aren’t letting the assault dampen your enthusiasm.
In John Irving’s novel A Hotel New Hampshire, a character played by Jodie Foster is brutally raped, but she is told that the man who assaulted her can never take her spirit from her, or something along those lines. He can never take the you from you, I guess is what is said.
Glad to hear no one has taken the you from you, Elena.
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:46:41ZF jS, Y at 8:46 pm2009-11-30T01:46:41Zg:i a
Leslie, thank you so much for recommending me to the AWOP editors. I am very happy to be here and share what a transwoman experiences, good and not-so-good with this audience. So far no one has called me an abomination, but I’ve never let that shut me up before, so if it happens, I’ll get over it. And yes, my spirit remains untouched by any rapist. Big hugs to you my dear sister.
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Thank you for sharing. Your an inspiration to all of us who have been abused.
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:48:54ZF jS, Y at 8:48 pm2009-11-30T01:48:54Zg:i a
Thank you Agm for sharing that you too were abused. My sincere wish for you is that you can find the means to rise above it, let go of any shame or fear, and live free and happy every day of your life. Because you are a beautiful and wonderful person and you deserve the best.
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Statistics say something horrific about the numbers of REPORTED sex assaults against girls and women – I’ve known very, very few women who haven’t had some event in their life – from near-rape to violent incestuous repeated assaults or worse.
Thanks very much for your thoughtful and provoking post and welcome to AWOP.
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Elena Kelly
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November 29th, 20092009-11-30T01:52:25ZF jS, Y at 8:52 pm2009-11-30T01:52:25Zg:i a
Lori, it is significant that you highlighted the word “reported.” I was tempted not to report this. Strongly tempted in fact. But I think my healing has come along more quickly than if I had bottled it up inside. I can’t speak for others who have been assaulted at all, because I have a fabulous network of friends and family who helped me through the worst of it and are still here for me today. If I had not told them, they would not have known I needed them so desperately. I think people really want to help if we can give them the opportunity.
And I am truly thrilled to be here on AWOP.
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Greetings Elena,
We are most pleased and honored to have you join us.
I look forward to hearing more about how you are turning one of the most horrific events of your life into a powerful tool for personal growth. I have found that to be the only good use for my own encounters with violation and the only way to heal them.
kim g.
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Thank you, dear Elena!
It has been a pleasure to become acquainted with you. You are truly a survivor-rise-abover!
See you at our next walk.
c
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