This is the next in a series about relationship. In this installment, a middle-aged woman discusses why she’d prefer not to date at this point in her life.

Doc is about to turn 50 and is a cancer survivor. She has four children: triplets, who just turned 18 and another child, who is 21. Doc lives in Oregon and writes at Doc’s Sunrise Rants. I just started reading Doc a couple of weeks ago when I read her review at Ask & Ye Shall Receive. As you may have seen from her comments on Our Stories: Contemplating the U-Haul, she holds strong opinions, but isn’t afraid to put herself out there either.

Describe your coming out process. How long ago did you come out? Describe how where you were raised/when you were raised impacted your coming out process.

I didn’t so much “come out” as evolve into my sexuality. At the same time my junior high friends were crushing on boys, I was crushing on them. My mother sat me down at about 15 and talked to me about it; she didn’t encourage it because she thought I was too young to engage in what would basically be an adult type relationship, but she was accepting. She was right – sex is not something 15 year olds are equipped for, emotionally. I enjoyed my late teens in group activities and met my first “girlfriend” the summer after I graduated – at Girl Scout camp of course. My parents were quite liberal and had 5 active boys before I came along, so not much phased them. One of my older brothers came out in college. It was a very supportive family, and continues to be so today.

Have you been in a long term relationship before? If so, for how long? How long ago did it end? What would you say the major contributors were to its demise? If more than one, explain.

I was with the co-mother of my children for a decade, and we have continued to co raise the kids (who are now adults). We broke up in 1993. She came from an abusive background, and hit a wall about that time period – she needed to fix herself before she broke all of us. And yes, in a lot of ways I was to blame, because I was in total denial over her mental state (Geez, snap out of it!). Other than that, I dated a woman for about a year, as an escape from single parenthood. At the end of the year, she wanted marriage and I still just wanted the weekend sex. It ended badly, but in my defense, I was always up front about my intentions. Other than that, I’ve dated very little – the kids sucked up my extra energy, had a couple of short trial relationships that ended mainly because for all their talk, few women will accept second place to your children.

If you ever decided to date again, what are some of the “red flags” you personally would look for? For example, were there areas of particular difficulty in previous relationships? If so, how might you handle those now?

Dating just isn’t a priority. I made a commitment 15 years ago to raise my kids, and I’m stuck in that rut. I’m 50 next year – and frankly, I’m sort of set in my ways and quite happy about it. Red flags: Suspicious dishonesty – being obviously vague about their life, past or present. Living with an ex or 19 cats. Wait, that’s me with the cats. As for difficulty in past relationships – I think I’m more open minded and laid back. Three years ago I nearly died of cancer and everything now is a second chance. I’m not as likely to want to control a relationship and more apt to ignore idiosyncrasies that would have driven me crazy a decade ago – like towels on the bathroom floor. While my kids were growing, that’s all I had the emotional strength for and that was a problem with the women I dated. That has resolved itself with time (the youngest kids were 18 in January).

What would you say you have learned about discord in a relationship? If you were ever to date again, what would your expectation/hope be for how disagreements are handled?

I’ve learned that I can (could?) be a stubborn, controlling, jerk. Living with a whole bunch of teens has broken me of that. I’m patient to a fault now. I don’t argue. I am quicker to forgive. However, I’m more prone to judgment too – I can see what mistakes I made, glaring mistakes, and it irritates me to see others doing the same things.

You have children who are, for all intents and purposes, grown. Would whether someone had children or not have any impact on your desire to become involved should you ever date again?

Honestly, I would probably not be interested in a serious relationship with someone who had young children – young being, under 15. Kids that age take a lot of work and deserve all of their mother’s attention. I would be open to casually dating someone with children, but I wouldn’t want to “know” the kids – too easy to get attached to them, and them to the adults around them, and since my intentions wouldn’t be to “parent” them, it wouldn’t be fair for anyone involved.

Would you be open to pre-“marital” counseling to assist you in relationship building? Why or why not?

If a new relationship already needs outside help, is it really worth it? There’s obviously some incompatibility going on. That said, it would depend on the woman. I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t do it.

What would be the major reason(s) for not wanting to date at this point in your life?

I’m too busy. I like my life the way it is. I’m not lonely or needy or looking for something to complete it. If I accidentally stumbled over Ms. Right, I wouldn’t ignore her though.

Knowing what you know about yourself, what would you recommend any potential partner watch for as far as playing old tapes (falling into old habits) and how should she deal with those habits?

What I know about myself pre-cancer, and what I know about myself ‘now’ is that I tossed all the VHS tapes. I’m all about TiVO. What you see is what you get, take it or leave it. When I had a house full of kids, relationships were an occasional weekend retreat. I don’t think I have any nasty habits I’d have to warn a potential mate about. I would absolutely take things slowly enough that we’d both be able to step back and deal with anything. I’ve been nothing but a mom for almost 2 decades, and that does become a habit – but now the kids are taking care of themselves and I’ve transitioned away from that mentality.

What did you do in your past relationship(s) to protect each other legally since gay marriage was not/is not legal in your state?

Oregon is an easy state. My ex legally adopted the children I gave birth to as a second parent. She legally changed her name to mine so we all have the same last name (it wasn’t a paternalistic thing, just easier because she has a long ass ethnic name). We had wills and powers of attorney and the children’s father had guardianship rights if something happened to both of us. The only thing we didn’t have in the mid 80’s and early 90’s were domestic partnership benefits (insurance) through work, so my kids were on my work policy and my ex had her own insurance. I can’t say how much protection we had because we never had to test the system.

Single parenthood is hard. Starting and keeping a relationship going is hard. I made a choice to work on one and let the other go. It was the right choice for me.

Thanks, Doc, for being willing to both dish it out and take it here during Our Stories week.