I made the decision to not go back home for Christmas last year. It was Christmas Eve at my parents’ house – I walked into the kitchen where my mom, dad, aunt, uncle, cousin and her husband were slamming our President and praising Bill O’Reilly. Only two days earlier my dad suggested that to keep things civil, we shouldn’t “talk politics.” So, as I walked into the kitchen, my father turns to me and says (in front of my family), “I hope Obama falls flat on his face.”

Keep in mind, it’s not my family’s politics that have gradually convinced me to stay away during Christmas, but rather it’s the dysfunction and general lack of respect they show my brother and me. Holidays in the past were always filled with drinking, yelling, screaming, fighting – and because I engaged with them, I became just as guilty as they were. The only way to have peace is to not engage, regardless of what they throw at me.

Over the past several months, my brother has had extremely little contact with our parents, which is a good thing. My father has labeled my brother as an “underachiever” and various other insults that really say more about my dad than my brother. My mother projects her victim mentality onto my brother, her voice tinged with fear, waiting for the day that the police, hospital or morgue call to deliver the news she knows will come…one day. And it gets much, much worse, but out of respect for my brother’s privacy, I will not divulge those things here. I was just about 20 when I left home (escaped), he was 14. He’ll be 39 tomorrow. I’ve recently apologized to my brother for leaving him alone with them, even though I knew there was nothing I could have done at the time. I was trying to take care of myself.

Over the past couple of decades, my brother, parents and I have had our fair share of incidents, especially during the holidays. As I’ve had 3,000 miles between my parents and me, not to mention lots of therapy, I’ve managed to come up with an analogy that I’ve recently shared with my brother; I told him, “Engaging with mom and dad is like playing tennis with them – If you simply put down your racket and let the ball go right by or simply hit you, you stop the rally – and they have nothing to hit back to you.” We all know that’s easier said than done.

Things are beginning to get better. Therapy has helped us both immensely – he and I are closer than ever, though he still has anger issues toward our parents and perhaps even me, for leaving him there, all those years ago. Hell – even I still have anger issues. Disengaging from our parents is painful at times, especially during the holidays, but it’s what’s best for both of us. A short while ago, after months of no communication, my mother mailed my brother a self help book entitled, “Real Is Better than Perfect.” Can you imagine his reaction? What was the intent behind that? “Remember,” I told him, “just put down the racket.” The more distance he gets, the clearer he sees. He refuses to spend holidays with them and I really can’t blame him.

I was speaking with my mother on the phone last night letting her know that I would not be coming home for Christmas either. My partner and I will share our first Christmas as a married couple this year. We’ll be spending it peacefully on Cape Cod. She understood. After a wise crack about Nancy Pelosi not paying taxes on her vineyard (sigh…), she said something like “One day I hope your brother ‘comes around’.” As I hung up the phone, I thought about that comment and wondered to myself, “Come around to what? He’s already come around – he’s disengaged from the two of you.: And then, once again, for the umpteenth time, it hit me: they will never change, they will always see the situation as they see it – that he is wrong, that he’s the one who needs to come around.

They will go to their graves absent from the lives of their children, not realizing that they are the ones who need the self help books – that they are the ones who enable their own dysfunction – that they are the ones who need to “come around.”

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that since the holidays come only once a year, you should spend it the way you wish – with the people who love, cherish and respect you. Along with the happiness of having a peaceful Christmas though, comes the sadness of mourning the loss of the relationship with your parents you deserved to have, but never did….and probably never will.