For the benefit of each and every denier of right-wing domestic terrorism who would accuse the left-wing of being no differrent, let’s try to imagine just what left-wing domestic terrorism might look like.
Not Hannah Downey. Che Guevara's granddaughter Lydia.
No sooner had progressives and left-wing commentators pushed back (and pushed back real hard, for the bunch of pansy peaceniks we tend to be) on each and every conservative attempt to explain, excuse and downright lie about right-wing domestic terrorism, no sooner had we done that fine work, than some Hoosier left-wing psycho had to go and put a face on left-wing domestic terrorism.
Today, in Indiana’s Orange County, the tiny town of French Lick (ed. — hey, ain’t that where Bird’s from? And really, whattaya expect coming from a town called French Lick but some really whacked left-wing terrorism? ok, well maybe not terrorism … ) was the scene of our nation’s first act of vegetarian vigilantism.
According to French Lick authorities, Hannah Downey, a part-time volunteer tutor for Everybody Reads!, allegedly cased out an all-you-can-eat buffet at the local Texas Roadhouse for over 45 minutes before returning to the parking lot, where she waited for two diners to emerge. When they did, Downey reportedly used her car to mow them down.
Eyewitness Ernest Turillo, a construction worker who watched from a cherry-picker high above the carnage, said, “It was the most hideous thing I ever saw. Bad enough to run over the poor guys, but with that little hybrid she was driving, it took four passes to finish ‘em off. A gun woulda done a much better job.” Turillo added, “Judging by the stickers on her bumper, she’s one of them gun control freaks.”
Texas Roadhouse spokesperson Wanda Crumm said several employees had noticed Downey staring with undisguised sorrow as customers casually sliced rare meat from a huge side of beef displayed at one end of the restaurant’s regulatory-compliant buffet table. The cashier told Crumm she had noticed Downey paying particular attention to the two victims, whose names are being withheld until they can be identified either from dental records or by process of elimination (French Lick’s population is 1,941 according to the 2000 census).
Authorities aren’t releasing many details, but that isn’t keeping the local Fox station from reporting that “Downey had been a vegetarian for over a decade.”
There are a lot of wild rumors flying around out there right now, but so far we’ve been able to verify that the radio in Downey’s Prius was tuned to the local NPR station and she was wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with a picture of the Earth from space and the words “Love Your Mother.”
A member of Downey’s Tuesday night yoga class, who is said to be fully cooperating with police, is reported to have overheard Downey, just hours before the heinous crime, saying how connected she sometimes feels with Nature and avowing her love of animals.
A number of organizations where Downey had been known to donate her time, including the homeless shelter located just a few blocks from the crime scene, as well as the local food bank, have already denied any formal ties to Downey and are vehemently claiming that she acted as a “lone dove.”
See? It just all sounds so wrong.
Margo MoonAWOP contributing author
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I was stunned to hear that a vegetarian actually lived in the Midwest. I’m sure that will come as a shock to everyone. The monster could have lived right next door to my parents for gosh sakes–how scary is that? Prius? I thought the Hummer/Suburban/Escalade drivers had banded together to literally roll right over the two that were purchased in American automaker country. I love your reporting, I learn so much. It makes me think I will do things differently should I ever decide to tickle the paper carrier to death for bringing me a newspaper that carries Michelle Malkin’s column.
Indiana went Blue in 2008, you know, so a librul-related tragedy was bound to happen.
Somehow, the folks in French Lick let down their guard.
So, she staked out the steakhouse…had to be more hideous than what Ernest witnessed.
A rimshot and a ba-da-bing! for the lady who couldn’t resist saying “staked out the steakhouse.” Yowzah!
Lori, she was prolly an outside agitator. You know how them libruls like to move into normal, god-fearing places and wreak havoc.
i was never so shocked the morning i woke to find my son eating carrots for breakfast. i knew he was finally irretrievably vegetarian and most likely lost to a left wing terrorist gang roaming the streets of Idaho. years later i got a text from him telling me he was at Golden Corral eating Bourbon Street beef on rice, i fell to my knees in right-wing nuttiness and thanked Rush Limbaugh for bringing my son back home again to me.
I loved this. Good job!
nina ( who still limps a little to the right) love me anyway?
Sure we love you, Nina. We reach out and embrace your whole being, even the rightward list. And from deep within that warm embrace we whisper our peaceful, neo-liberal mantras in a cadence designed to weave our words into the deepest grooves of your neocortex.
I love the “left wing terrorist gang roaming the streets of Idaho.” Totally wild, woman!
wow that first part about the warm embrace and stuff just lulled me into a kind of torpor and now all i want is tall glass of wheat grass juice ….
Up here we gotta watch out fer the violent ‘veggi-nutters’ AND the edible critters they’ve turned to their terrorist ways. Very dangerous times indeed. Thankfully the critters don’t have access to those hybrids yet. Something about not enuff electric outlets here;)
NW – Tall glass of wheat grass juice, indeed.
Mike – It’s always so good to ‘hear’ your voice. Know what “veggi-nutters” reminds me of? Ule Gibbons. Dang, now I have to try to find a U-Toob of one of his commercials.
I was gonna say carrot juice, but then I thought it might be too obvious.
Well, NOW you’ve said carrot juice, haven’t you?
Yeah, and STILL nobody’s said anything about Lydia. PETA’s gonna make me take that pic down before anybody gets good and rude about it.
Well, since I thought it was an inspired image choice, how can I possibly be rude about it? Hmmm????
Oh, all right. And if PETA makes me take it down, I’ll just change it to some weird derivative and use that.