I have been married twice. Seven years to the father of my first two children. The divorce had nothing to do with my sexuality. It had everything to do with verbal abuse, the need to create lame explanations for bruises, and because I was tired of finding drugs hidden in stupid places, like under our claw foot bathtub. I finally had enough and I filed for divorce.

My second marriage was eight years, and he gave me two more beautiful children. That divorce is all on me. Regardless of all his quirks and imperfections, it had nothing to do with him. I am a lesbian.  I didn’t begin to figure it out until after our second baby was born and truthfully, I would still be married to him if I hadn’t realized that my deep unhappiness and disinterest in being intimate wasn’t because I was emotionally broken and unfixable. Why I couldn’t have had this revelation at some other time in my life, I don’t know. Believe me, I have asked the universe more than once. And to clarify, when I use the word revelation, I don’t mean it was a sudden knowing. It had layers of discoveries and insights. Late blooming lesbians are like onions, and ogres I guess.

Regardless of why the divorces happened, I grieved the loss of the “happily ever after” that always comes with the promises of the love and cherishing parts. I grieved the fracture in family dynamics. I grieved for my children who would have to learn lessons which even grown ups are often not ready to learn. I know my children grieved and I believe both my ex-husbands grieved as well.

Many have said that leaving my first husband was understandable and reasonable but they hold back with their absolution of my decision to come out during my second marriage. They accuse me of dishonesty in my decision to be married again. Even when I explain to them that I had absolutely no idea I was gay before the marriage. They don’t buy it, I can tell. Sometimes people attribute my tendencies to just having a one time crush on someone, it didn’t mean I was REALLY gay, rather just a bored housewife. I can’t convince them I had been peeling layers off my onion long before the word lesbian even entered my vocabulary let alone having an actual woman enter my life. Then of course, I have been told that if I had just put more effort into my marital bedroom activities, the word lesbian would have never entered my vocabulary in the first place. “Fake it ’till you make it.” I know it’s a saying. I know that it can apply in some areas of people’s lives. But sexual orientation is NOT one of those areas. At least not for me. I have faked sexual pleasure for decades, I never made it.

Was it the right decision to come out while I was married? Should I have waited until the children were all grown up? ~or~  would it be the right decision to live closeted and make my husband endure a life without the full experience of being married to a woman who wanted him the way he deserved to be wanted? Would my children be better off with a mother who struggled with such a deep internal depression that it would seep into every area of her life, including parenting them? I guess its all in the way one asks the question and where an individual holds their convictions, exposure, GLBT education and compassion.

Finally, I have arrived at a place in my life where I have settled some of those questions for myself. I accept the responsibility for all the pain I caused my husband, children and extended family by coming out and causing the dissolution of my marriage. I will also take the responsibility for teaching my children that:  ”To thine own self be true,” is not just Shakespeare, nor a sign of selfishness but instead, a matter of survival of their spirit. I will take on the responsibility to teach them the importance of compassion, acceptance and forgiveness. And ultimately, I want to teach them it’s their own responsibility to find happiness in their lives so the less time they have to spend peeling layers off their onion, the less tears they will have to shed and the more time they will have to be happy.

~nina~
*My muse sat in the car with me one early morning and made sure I was paying attention to Niccole Blaze singing this song. Iinspiration is a spiritual connection to you and the bigger circle that is a collective of heartache and joy in the hearts and minds of all people.

Fairytale Land

Walked into a pawn shop and looked beneath the glass
We’re all these wedding rings, promises of the past
Each one told a story, a moment of true glory.

The woman that gave it the shine
The fella that spent his last dime

I want to know where they are now
Did their hearts ever mend?
Does time get you over the pain
Or does a piece of it linger?
I stare at my own naked finger

How can something so precious
Completely go to waste
And wind up under the glass
In some display case?
And all the smiles that ring
Must have brought
Doesn’t matter a thing
For the price and the loss.

And I want to know where fairy tale land really is!
And happy ever after
I want to know who the prince is
That kissed the lonely frog

REPEAT

Does he have time for one more kiss
One more kiss?

Niccole Blaze
www.blazenkelly.com