I worship at the altar of Suze Orman,

One of the hardest, yet greatest aspects to being a part of the “LGBT” community is our unparalleled diversity.  It’s not possible to categorize LGBT people because we are as diverse as the human race itself.

I can’t think of any other minority group that has such richness, or that is as rife with internal dilemmas, as our community.  How on earth are we supposed to band together to fight for our rights when there are so many issues on which we cannot see eye to eye?  How do we overcome our foreignness to each other, or better yet, make use of our wonderful diversity to create a cohesive, powerful community?

Hell if I know.  Nor do I intend to attempt an answer to any of the above questions.  What I intend to do instead is discuss one special lesbian I adore.  A lesbian I feel absolutely alone in adoring.  That lesbian is Suze Orman.

Suze Orman is a goddess.  She is everything I would want in a woman, if I wanted women in that way.  She’s smart.  She’s beautiful.  She’s rich.  She’s sharp witted and funny.  I love her voice.  She likes to listen to people and give them advice.  She’s not afraid to tell someone that they’re a dumb fuck .  And best of all, she knows how to handle money.  I get practically dizzy just thinking about her.

Being responsible with money is a value that was drilled into me by both my parents as a child.  I was taught to disdain people who could not balance a checkbook or who regularly overspent.  There was an unspoken rule in my family that everyone is allowed to bounce a check once in a blue moon, but it you did it more than once every few years you were a complete retard and a moron and you should have all your money taken away from you and handed over to someone who knows better.

My parents are staunch democrats, so let me be clear that this kind money-centric rearing was never about having to make smart investments, or knowing how to make your money grow.  It was only about knowing how to live within your means and not become a burden on other people.

There were clear rules on the timing and handling of money in our house.  Here’s how it works:  Step one:  you get your paycheck.  Step two:  you pay out what you owe.  Step three:  you put some away in savings.  And then the final step:   you can use the rest for whatever you please, whether it be giving to charity or spending it on yourself.

I always thought this four-step program made perfect sense, and have never understood why every other person on Earth doesn’t feel exactly the same way I do about this.

My mother is especially vehement about these values, and although she has a lot of relationship conflicts with my father, they always seemed to agree on the importance of responsibility in personal finance.  (Just for the record, my dad is twice as vehement as she is and usually has to be convinced to spend any money at all.)

I knew that I could never marry, or even live with, someone who is irresponsible with money.  As shallow as it may sound to the true romantics out there, my feet were always planted on the ground firmly enough to know that wise handling of money was rule #1 in choosing a life mate.  No matter how crazily in love I might be with someone, if they were a regular check bouncer or a person perpetually caught up in a personal financial crisis, a long term committed relationship would simply never work.  It’s always been very important to me that I can trust whomever I’m with not to put me in any kind of financial jeopardy by their own laziness or lack of responsibility concerning money.

Which brings me back to Suze Orman.  I don’t have one single friend who likes her.  I mentioned to a close friend recently how much I care for Suze, and my friend responded “Suze is a total bitch.  She thinks that people with bad credit don’t deserve love” and then proceeded to tell me how another friend of hers likes to say things like “FUCK YOU Suze Orman!  We’re GETTING  a donut!”

I think these people are wrong, needless to say.

Ok, so I don’t really have any kind of coherent ending to tie this piece together.  Except to say that it’s been a long time since I’ve had a really close lesbian friend.  (I had one for a number of years, but we had a falling out and then she died.)  So I’m in the market for a new lesbian buddy.  Suze, if you’re reading this, will you be mine?

Or, if you are a lesbian who also loves Suze Orman for all the reasons I do, please email me at cp.marytylermoore@yahoo.com so that we can be best friends and call each other every five minutes.  OK?

CP