I fell in love with a transgender man. I don’t know what came over me but I need to rant just a little. I think it had more to do with the fact that he has no outward appearance of maleness but instead is a very attractive looking woman. I probably fell in love with what I perceived as butch femininity, rather than his true male personality. But it was so fun, so exhilarating that I couldn’t help myself.

Women are all about relationships. Men, not so much. To a woman, a relationship is formed from the moment she meets someone and says hello. It could be a new checker at the grocery store or a new business contact at work. What it becomes and how it evolves after that is determined by the interactions and emotions of both people. What I’m saying is that I had a relationship with this man for the better part of this year, because we met early this year, but it wasn’t romantic until about two months ago.

Last Sunday he called me and told me, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” Yep, he dumped me. I didn’t let on during the phone call, but the minute I hung up I burst into tears. The next day I told some girlfriends at work what he had said and every one gave the same silent response – they rolled their eyes. We didn’t even have to talk about it because as women we know what those words mean. This is the first time those words have been spoken to me, but I cannot count the number of times they have been spoken to my girlfriends.

Men seem to think that if they can act like they are “the problem,” the woman will be understanding and forgiving when he breaks up with her. What all women know is that saying “I’m not ready for a relationship” really means only one of two things; 1) pure bullshit (meaning the man wants to break up for some other reason he cannot or will not reveal to her, or, 2) he has a serious deficiency in emotional maturity (meaning the man is so immature he cannot recognize that he is already in a relationship and is oblivious to the hurt these words bring to her.

A woman would almost rather hear that a man is being unfaithful to her than to hear “I’m not ready for a relationship.” At least with infidelity he is not necessarily negating her out of his life. By cutting off the whole concept of relationship, these words cut so deeply that there is little hope she will ever trust him again.  Only a seriously codependent woman would go back for more bullshit and/or immaturity.

I have been lucky enough to have fallen in love with women many times in my life. I can honestly say that when each one ended we were able to transition our relationship to one of being mutual friends. I have been divorced twice and both of the women are dear friends to this day. We are relationship people and are emotionally mature enough to accept that things happen, people drift apart, and that “until death do us part” is not realistic for many people.

When an intimate relationship of mine transitions, I choose to remember and focus on the multitudes of good things we had, not the difficulties. That way both of our lives are filled with happiness and many wonderful memories of the journey we took together.

This relationship didn’t end that way, and I am convinced it is because of the finality of the words, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” So I have been searching my heart to try to understand what I needed to learn from this experience. Here are some of my lessons.

I have no business being in a relationship with any man, regardless of the body he comes to me in. There are many kind and wonderful men in my life and I treasure their friendship. But I am a femme woman: I have always been a woman and have always been attracted exclusively to women. No amount of effort on anyone’s part could ever change that. My sexual orientation is as concrete as my gender identity.

Some of my male socialization still lingers even after over eighteen months of living full time as a woman. The second lesson I learned was not to give my heart away before I knew for sure it will be cherished as a sacred gift. Men tend to give their heart to a woman quickly, but women will never do that. A woman makes sure the relationship has a strong base before she gives herself to it completely. I will not make that mistake again in the future.

All things considered, I would rather love and be hurt than to never experience love in my life. But my heart’s desire is to love and be loved in return. As a transsexual lesbian woman it will be harder for me to find that relationship. But I am happy being single and I am happy being in a relationship. Hell, I am just happy to finally be me! And now I am going to be a wee bit wiser when choosing to get into a relationship. I believe I will find her, and when I do, she will be all woman. And she will be ready for a relationship. Just like me.